As we got to the end of Angry Black White Boy, some weird stuff started happening. Some highly improbable things occurred, and I'm not sure they really make any sense. Two cases really stood out to me: the shootout between Macon and one of his haters, and the whole thing with Conway Donner, all the way to the end.
Between two bullets in the shootout, three people were killed, and the circumstances for each were pretty strange. The exact quote is as follows:
"The man's last five bullets had been stopped by the Volvo behind which Macon and company crouched, but the first ricocheted off a building and passed straight through the chest of a black statistician on the way to drop off his daughter at day care. He collapsed, and the bullet exited his back and bounced off a stop sign, a second building, and a third before coming to rest squarely in in the head of the white woman Macon had approached. She was dead before she toppled to the ground." (Mansbach 250)
Given what I've learned about terminal ballistics (the behavior of bullets after they hit something) from games and the occasional youtube video over the years, this sequence of events is HIGHLY improbable, borderline impossible. Starting from the top, the man is using a "huge, antique revolver." (Mansbach 250) From this, I can reasonably assume either .44 magnum or .357 magnum. These are both large, high-velocity rounds. Deflecting off one building with enough power to still kill someone is not out of the question. It's not even too unreasonable for the bullet to be able to pass all the way through someone's chest and keep flying.
However, after this, things get questionable. The bullet apparently bounced off a stop sign and two more buildings. Here's where terminal ballistics and physics start to get annoyed. For the bullet to have enough energy to still kill someone after hitting another two buildings, most likely brick walls, it would need to have a LOT of energy before it started hitting those other two buildings. All of this after two previous obstructions. The fact that the bullet deflected off a stop sign makes no sense. If the bullet had enough energy to deflect off the second and third buildings, it would have had enough energy to simply punch through the stop sign. I'm going to have to chalk this one up to some divine intervention to make Macon's life living hell as he has to deal with the problems he's created.
The entire thing with Conway Donner was a lot bit strange. He spoke of psychiatric reprogramming to make people believe they had a different cultural identity, and any time we get into psychiatry, the line between hard science and hand-waving gets blurred. But that's not the worst of it with Dr. Donner. When he and Nique show up in the Deus ex Machina, we're told the entire encounter was an act. It seems highly unlikely that Dr. Donner would have predicted that Macon would shoplift from a particular store, get recognized as a celebrity, and that Leo would walk in on all of this, and know this months in advance, before Macon even existed in the public eye. Also the name of the helicopter. Deus ex Machina. It literally means God from the Machine. If we don't notice the divine intervention slapping us in the face here, we're dumb.
Anyway, for a literary work in a modern setting, some pretty weird things happened that I can't comfortably explain. Honestly, my best guess is that Adam Mansbach got tired of Macon and decided to screw him over in the most spectacular way possible so that he could still have fun writing the ending.
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
Friday, April 19, 2019
Sunshine and Rainbows
As we've seen in the section 'After', people in the book are not done being disgusting. It's safe to say that everyone hates Old Nick, but we also see the media portrayed in a negative light. There are newsmen trying to get pictures, which is bad enough as an invasion of privacy, but the commentators were worse. During the interview that Ma did, the interviewer asked some questions that I really didn't like. She calls their escape a rescue, which we see as not giving Jack the credit he deserves. In fact, all of the questions that are asked before the interview is cut short feel like they're in poor taste.
There's also the case with Ma's dad, the one who held a funeral for her. I think we can all agree that his behavior and opinions on what Jack represents are completely disgusting. While it is technically true that Jack is the product of rape, we also know just how much his arrival saved Ma. Without him, Ma would likely have died, probably of poor hygiene or suicide. Also, we know the lengths Ma went to in order to keep Old Nick from interacting with Jack, effectively preventing Old Nick from taking any sort of parental role in Jack's eyes.
Another thing I noticed was that the lawyer Morris points out that Ma could use her experience to write a book, which seems pushy for someone who's been back in the normal world for less than a week. Ma even says so herself, "You think we should sell ourselves before someone else does." Many people dream of being famous, but we see from this perspective that fame is incompatible with privacy. In one of Ma's talks with Dr. Clay, she says something to the effect that she's been in isolation for so long that people are overwhelming. This fame will likely cause trouble for Jack once he starts his formal schooling, potentially slowing his already delayed education.
So it's not all sunshine and rainbows in Outside. In some ways, their nightmare is just beginning, especially for Jack. But at least they aren't in confinement anymore.
There's also the case with Ma's dad, the one who held a funeral for her. I think we can all agree that his behavior and opinions on what Jack represents are completely disgusting. While it is technically true that Jack is the product of rape, we also know just how much his arrival saved Ma. Without him, Ma would likely have died, probably of poor hygiene or suicide. Also, we know the lengths Ma went to in order to keep Old Nick from interacting with Jack, effectively preventing Old Nick from taking any sort of parental role in Jack's eyes.
Another thing I noticed was that the lawyer Morris points out that Ma could use her experience to write a book, which seems pushy for someone who's been back in the normal world for less than a week. Ma even says so herself, "You think we should sell ourselves before someone else does." Many people dream of being famous, but we see from this perspective that fame is incompatible with privacy. In one of Ma's talks with Dr. Clay, she says something to the effect that she's been in isolation for so long that people are overwhelming. This fame will likely cause trouble for Jack once he starts his formal schooling, potentially slowing his already delayed education.
So it's not all sunshine and rainbows in Outside. In some ways, their nightmare is just beginning, especially for Jack. But at least they aren't in confinement anymore.
Friday, April 5, 2019
Scheduling
One thing that particularly struck me was just how much more responsive and engaged Jefferson was once the date of his execution was set. In Grant's first visit to Jefferson after the execution date was set, Jefferson responds verbally to Grant's greeting. It's not much, but it's more than before. This is also the same visit where Jefferson decides that he wants a gallon of ice cream for his last meal, and he engages Grant in some conversation about what's happening at the quarter. This interaction is the first time that we see Jefferson doing really human things without prompting, and this only happens once he knows exactly when he is going to die.
It seems odd initially, but it sort of makes sense. When I've had projects with no fixed due dates, I tend to put them off, but when I know I have until a certain date to do something, it gets done. Jefferson may have had a bunch of things he wanted to do, but didn't have the motivation to do them. Now that he knows how much time he has left, he can fit form structured plans rather than being able to put them off saying 'there will be time.'
There was also an implication that until this point, Grant hadn't really been getting through to Jefferson, but after the date of the execution is announced, Grant and Jefferson get a lot done. I have to wonder how much of this progress was from a change in Jefferson's psyche and how much was from Grant changing his teaching strategies. What are your thoughts? What caused Jefferson's seemingly sudden transformation to believing himself to be human?
It seems odd initially, but it sort of makes sense. When I've had projects with no fixed due dates, I tend to put them off, but when I know I have until a certain date to do something, it gets done. Jefferson may have had a bunch of things he wanted to do, but didn't have the motivation to do them. Now that he knows how much time he has left, he can fit form structured plans rather than being able to put them off saying 'there will be time.'
There was also an implication that until this point, Grant hadn't really been getting through to Jefferson, but after the date of the execution is announced, Grant and Jefferson get a lot done. I have to wonder how much of this progress was from a change in Jefferson's psyche and how much was from Grant changing his teaching strategies. What are your thoughts? What caused Jefferson's seemingly sudden transformation to believing himself to be human?
Friday, March 8, 2019
Supernatural Occurances in "As I Lay Dying"
In "As I Lay Dying", there are moments scattered throughout the book that imply that there are some supernatural things going on. The one that's really obvious is how Darl just sort of... knows things. It's not clear how he knows these things, but he does. He knows that Dewey Dell is pregnant, he knows that Jewel is not Anse's son, he knows when Addie dies, and possibly weirdest of all, he can understand Vardaman. Actually, that's not really a supernatural ability, but Darl was able to understand and articulate to Vardaman what Addie was saying in the coffin before he burned the barn, if we take Darl's word that Addie was actually speaking. Also, there's the whole 'eyes full of the land' line, and how Darl regularly narrates events that he is not present for that implies that Darl might be an omniscient character.
Maybe this ability to know things is hereditary. Addie seems to have this way of knowing things too, like when she tells Cora that Jewel will save her from water and fire. How could she have possibly known that Jewel would pull her coffin out of the flooded river and out of the burning barn? Those things happen after she dies. Also, it seems odd that Jewel would save anyone from anything. He seems pretty self-centered throughout the book, so Addie was probably not making an educated guess based on Jewel's personality.
Speaking of the flood, even that seems a little supernatural. Sure, people were expecting rain, but it seems strange that there would be a massive flooding of the river just after Addie dies. Also, the wagon broke down. Possibly a coincidence, given that the Bundrens are poor and the wagon is not the most impressive. But considering all the obstacles and sacrifices made during the journey, I wonder just how much of it was Addie torturing Anse.
Maybe this ability to know things is hereditary. Addie seems to have this way of knowing things too, like when she tells Cora that Jewel will save her from water and fire. How could she have possibly known that Jewel would pull her coffin out of the flooded river and out of the burning barn? Those things happen after she dies. Also, it seems odd that Jewel would save anyone from anything. He seems pretty self-centered throughout the book, so Addie was probably not making an educated guess based on Jewel's personality.
Speaking of the flood, even that seems a little supernatural. Sure, people were expecting rain, but it seems strange that there would be a massive flooding of the river just after Addie dies. Also, the wagon broke down. Possibly a coincidence, given that the Bundrens are poor and the wagon is not the most impressive. But considering all the obstacles and sacrifices made during the journey, I wonder just how much of it was Addie torturing Anse.
Friday, February 15, 2019
"Tactical Mistakes"
The title of this post is part of a quote from Everett that I particularly liked, and it pretty much sums up the leadership effectiveness of both Everett and Odysseus. Even though they are both leaders, I didn't think they were very good leaders. Odysseus winds up getting all of his men killed by not telling them everything they need to know, which strikes me as gross negligence, especially since he could have gotten home sooner if he had been more open with his crew when he had the bottle with the winds in it.
To expose why I don't think Odysseus, and to a lesser extent, Everett, are good leaders, here's what I expect out of a good leader in a story. I expect rousing speeches that make their followers follow the leader willingly even to the death. Odysseus doesn't do that at all, though Everett does some, such as when he has to convince the rest of the Soggy Bottom Boys to help him win back his wife. I also expect a leader to be able to trust his crew enough to take an administrative role and not just lead all of the expeditions. I can't think of any times off the top of my head where Odysseus tells a group of his men to go do something aside from that one island with the lotus eaters. Everett doesn't really get that opportunity because he never has more than three people working with him.
Odysseus is more concerned with personal glory than keeping his men alive. It kind of reminds me of a quote from Napoleon that went something along the lines of "I have thirty thousand lives to spend." It shows a callous disregard for the lives of his troops, Odysseus also shows by keeping his crew in the dark about various very important things (Scylla, the wind thing, THE SUN GOD'S CATTLE). This obsession with glory would make more sense for a solitary hero. Which is pretty much what Odysseus becomes after he gets all his crew killed. But it doesn't make for a very admirable leader.
Everett is also more focused on personal gain, though it makes more sense in the historical context. He doesn't have any sort of pre-existing military leadership role that we expect him to fill. I personally found the word 'outfit' telling when Pete asks "Who made you the leader of this outfit?" Calling it an outfit really fits for the size and circumstances of the group.
As a counterexample, I thought I would mention Prophet from the Crysis series, particularly his "we were all human" speech in the third game, but then I remembered that he, like Odysseus, doesn't tell his team everything they need to know in the first game, which results in two of the five members of Raptor team being killed. Still, the "we were all human" speech is a good example of the type of rousing speech I was expecting from Odysseus the leader of men.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqEBZoKJlRg
To expose why I don't think Odysseus, and to a lesser extent, Everett, are good leaders, here's what I expect out of a good leader in a story. I expect rousing speeches that make their followers follow the leader willingly even to the death. Odysseus doesn't do that at all, though Everett does some, such as when he has to convince the rest of the Soggy Bottom Boys to help him win back his wife. I also expect a leader to be able to trust his crew enough to take an administrative role and not just lead all of the expeditions. I can't think of any times off the top of my head where Odysseus tells a group of his men to go do something aside from that one island with the lotus eaters. Everett doesn't really get that opportunity because he never has more than three people working with him.
Odysseus is more concerned with personal glory than keeping his men alive. It kind of reminds me of a quote from Napoleon that went something along the lines of "I have thirty thousand lives to spend." It shows a callous disregard for the lives of his troops, Odysseus also shows by keeping his crew in the dark about various very important things (Scylla, the wind thing, THE SUN GOD'S CATTLE). This obsession with glory would make more sense for a solitary hero. Which is pretty much what Odysseus becomes after he gets all his crew killed. But it doesn't make for a very admirable leader.
Everett is also more focused on personal gain, though it makes more sense in the historical context. He doesn't have any sort of pre-existing military leadership role that we expect him to fill. I personally found the word 'outfit' telling when Pete asks "Who made you the leader of this outfit?" Calling it an outfit really fits for the size and circumstances of the group.
As a counterexample, I thought I would mention Prophet from the Crysis series, particularly his "we were all human" speech in the third game, but then I remembered that he, like Odysseus, doesn't tell his team everything they need to know in the first game, which results in two of the five members of Raptor team being killed. Still, the "we were all human" speech is a good example of the type of rousing speech I was expecting from Odysseus the leader of men.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqEBZoKJlRg
Friday, February 1, 2019
Swords on Backs
One of the things that jumped out at me as we've been reading the Odyssey is that almost every time swords have been mentioned, they get strapped to someone's back. Examples at 2.3 (Telemachus), 4.308 (Menelaus), 8.416 (Odysseus). I ran across a video about back sheaths a while ago that raised some interesting points. There are definitely benefits to a back sheath, since it doesn't get in the way of running, it doesn't drag on the ground if you are crawling, and with sufficiently low-backed chairs, it doesn't get in the way of sitting down. This is amazingly practical for any sort of adventurer, right? The big problem with back sheaths is that drawing the sword can be difficult, and re-sheathing is even worse. Nobody wants to stab themselves in the back.
The video that I found presented various solutions that people have come up with, and the person had their own unusual solution to the problem. One of the solutions he showed was a sheath that was rigid and had part of the sheath cut out so that the sword only had to be pulled out a little before it could be brought over the wielder's shoulder while still covering the sharp edges while in the sheath. The person in the video had a different solution, which was to cut out part of the side of the sheath, which he demonstrates several times throughout the video.
This topic is of particular interest to me because I've watched several movies (Lord of the Rings comes to mind) and played many videogames that feature back sheaths for their heroes. In The Lord of the Rings, Legolas has a pair of long knives in sheaths next to his quiver on his back (there are a couple of problems with back quivers, but that is a rant for some other time), sidestepping the problem of having to pull the blade out really far by just having a shorter blade. In Metal Gear Rising, Raiden has a sheath that actually moves around to facilitate drawing his sword. In Warframe, almost all of the melee weapons have no sheath and are just attached to the back with their edges exposed. All of these examples are badass heroes that use back sheaths.
Back to the Odyssey, since that's what we're reading in class. Odysseus also straps swords to his back as evidenced in book 8, but there is one case where he notably breaks this trend. In 10.439-40, Odysseus says "At that, I thought of drawing my long sword/from by my sturdy thigh, to cut his head off". This implies that Odysseus is wearing his sword in a hip sheath like what we're used to seeing, which is different from the previous three times sword sheath positioning has been mentioned. I wonder if this was an oversight in translation, or if Greeks used back sheaths for carrying swords around and a hip sheath when they anticipated using a sword. That would makes sense given the added difficulty of drawing and sheathing a sword behind yourself. If this is the case, carrying your sword on your back could be a sign that you don't intend to use it, which makes you seem more civilized. I would have to do more research on how Greek soldiers carried their various weapons.
Video that I referenced for those who want it:
The video that I found presented various solutions that people have come up with, and the person had their own unusual solution to the problem. One of the solutions he showed was a sheath that was rigid and had part of the sheath cut out so that the sword only had to be pulled out a little before it could be brought over the wielder's shoulder while still covering the sharp edges while in the sheath. The person in the video had a different solution, which was to cut out part of the side of the sheath, which he demonstrates several times throughout the video.
This topic is of particular interest to me because I've watched several movies (Lord of the Rings comes to mind) and played many videogames that feature back sheaths for their heroes. In The Lord of the Rings, Legolas has a pair of long knives in sheaths next to his quiver on his back (there are a couple of problems with back quivers, but that is a rant for some other time), sidestepping the problem of having to pull the blade out really far by just having a shorter blade. In Metal Gear Rising, Raiden has a sheath that actually moves around to facilitate drawing his sword. In Warframe, almost all of the melee weapons have no sheath and are just attached to the back with their edges exposed. All of these examples are badass heroes that use back sheaths.
Back to the Odyssey, since that's what we're reading in class. Odysseus also straps swords to his back as evidenced in book 8, but there is one case where he notably breaks this trend. In 10.439-40, Odysseus says "At that, I thought of drawing my long sword/from by my sturdy thigh, to cut his head off". This implies that Odysseus is wearing his sword in a hip sheath like what we're used to seeing, which is different from the previous three times sword sheath positioning has been mentioned. I wonder if this was an oversight in translation, or if Greeks used back sheaths for carrying swords around and a hip sheath when they anticipated using a sword. That would makes sense given the added difficulty of drawing and sheathing a sword behind yourself. If this is the case, carrying your sword on your back could be a sign that you don't intend to use it, which makes you seem more civilized. I would have to do more research on how Greek soldiers carried their various weapons.
Video that I referenced for those who want it:
Friday, January 18, 2019
Ratchet and Clank
As some of you may know, I play a lot of videogames. One series that holds a very special place in my heart is the Ratchet and Clank games from Insomniac Studios. The games in the main storyline are single-player third-person shooters with heavy platforming elements.
But the gameplay specifics are beside the point. The first game (from 2002) starts with Clank (the smart one) stealing a spaceship and promptly getting shot down where he crash-lands near where Ratchet is building a spaceship. Ratchet sees the crash and goes to investigate, finds Clank in a shutdown state. Now would probably be a good time to properly introduce the characters. Ratchet, the main character, is a Lombax, which is essentially a bipedal cat. He is mostly impulsive, and always is looking for something to make a bigger boom. Clank is a small, (usually) very intelligent robot, often providing advice or translating from nerd-speak to something Ratchet can understand. Cover art from the first game and the most recent game can be found at the top.
Back to plot. Ratchet was missing one critical component to his spaceship, the robotic ignition system. Clank just so happens to have this system. He also happens to have information that Supreme Executive Chairman Drek of the Blarg is planning to take chunks of planets to create a new homeworld for his people. This has the 'unfortunate' side-effect of also destroying those planets. Clank wants to take this information to Captain Copernicus Qwark (see image). This is pretty much Ratchet's call to adventure, since it involves him leaving the planet he grew up on. There isn't much of a refusal to the call, since Ratchet had wanted to get off that planet to begin with.
As Ratchet and Clank go about the galaxy chasing after reports of Captain Qwark, Ratchet meets many strange people, acquires many useful gadgets, and struggles through many trials, most of them involving combat. Clank serves the role of mentor for the most part. Eventually he confronts Chairman Drek in person and defeats him, marking the end of the first game. As we find out in the second game, Ratchet and Clank become Galactic Rangers since they pretty much saved the galaxy themselves. Yeah, Captain Qwark turned out to be more celebrity than hero. This is not quite a full return to a normal world, but it's a new normal for them, and it suits them better.
The later games follow similar arcs, each building on the previous and developing the characters of Ratchet and Clank more. Ratchet becomes less wide-eyed at the world, growing into a very capable fighter renowned across the galaxy. Clank undergoes less character development, though he gets slightly more cynical after the disappointment that was Captain Qwark.
My particular attachment to this series comes from the fact that the second game of the series was the first videogame that I ever played. That was when I was about 6 years old, and I wasn't very good. I was terrified of failing, so I didn't get very far. As I've grown up and matured, Ratchet also matured, and got better at being clever about how he approached things, which was something I also wanted to do.
Thursday, April 26, 2018
The Bottomless Pit
This essay is a bit short, so please point out areas where there could be more narration or reflection.
Just like everyone, I use YouTube regularly. Maybe not as much as most people though. I mostly listen to music, and occasionally watch videos of people dissecting game mechanics. There's really only one vlog that I watch, but not often.
On the music I listen to, I think I listen to different things than most of my friends and peers. I listen primarily to game soundtracks, and occasionally movie scores, though I also listen to the band Rush, but they're not exactly the kind of band that most of my fellow classmates listen to. I think that my choice of music to listen to is a product of my parents. I say this because my dad has been a Rush fan since before I was born, and also plays a lot of video games, listened to their soundtracks, and my parents have shown me several movies that have excellent soundtracks.
The selection of videos that I watch are fairly representative of what sort of person I am. I'm the sort of person to tear apart the mechanics of a game so that I can fully understand the game, and hopefully be able to use my deeper knowledge of any given game to outplay other people. Hence why I watch videos of other people dissecting game mechanics. I want to see what other people see and find out what sorts of things I overlooked.
As for the vlog that I watch, it's a bunch of people who make their living by making almost professional-grade videos for their main channel. For those of you who might be interested, the channel is called Sam and Niko after the founders of the YouTube studio, and their main channel is Corridor Digital. I've always liked cameras, especially the more professional ones. And these people use cameras all the time. They also have a huge arsenal of nerf and airsoft guns, which they use in making their videos.
All of this boils down to me watching videos of people doing things that I enjoy, and listening to the music that I like.
But as I've glanced at my friends' computer screens, I haven't seen them watching any of the same things that I watch, which is at some level surprising, but also not surprising at all. It surprises that me that all of my friends basically watch the same things, and that despite having shared experiences with them for almost four years now, I haunt a different section of YouTube than they do. Just as I do, they are watching videos pertaining to the activities they enjoy and listen to the music that they like.
I think the best thing about YouTube is the variety of content you can find. Some people use it for their news because that's how they are most receptive to it. Other people may use it to watch other people play the games that they enjoy. Still others just use it to listen to music, as I am as I write this. In fact, most people use YouTube for a combination of these things. There's so much out there that anyone can find channels that they enjoy on YouTube, no matter what background they come from.
Just like everyone, I use YouTube regularly. Maybe not as much as most people though. I mostly listen to music, and occasionally watch videos of people dissecting game mechanics. There's really only one vlog that I watch, but not often.
On the music I listen to, I think I listen to different things than most of my friends and peers. I listen primarily to game soundtracks, and occasionally movie scores, though I also listen to the band Rush, but they're not exactly the kind of band that most of my fellow classmates listen to. I think that my choice of music to listen to is a product of my parents. I say this because my dad has been a Rush fan since before I was born, and also plays a lot of video games, listened to their soundtracks, and my parents have shown me several movies that have excellent soundtracks.
The selection of videos that I watch are fairly representative of what sort of person I am. I'm the sort of person to tear apart the mechanics of a game so that I can fully understand the game, and hopefully be able to use my deeper knowledge of any given game to outplay other people. Hence why I watch videos of other people dissecting game mechanics. I want to see what other people see and find out what sorts of things I overlooked.
As for the vlog that I watch, it's a bunch of people who make their living by making almost professional-grade videos for their main channel. For those of you who might be interested, the channel is called Sam and Niko after the founders of the YouTube studio, and their main channel is Corridor Digital. I've always liked cameras, especially the more professional ones. And these people use cameras all the time. They also have a huge arsenal of nerf and airsoft guns, which they use in making their videos.
All of this boils down to me watching videos of people doing things that I enjoy, and listening to the music that I like.
But as I've glanced at my friends' computer screens, I haven't seen them watching any of the same things that I watch, which is at some level surprising, but also not surprising at all. It surprises that me that all of my friends basically watch the same things, and that despite having shared experiences with them for almost four years now, I haunt a different section of YouTube than they do. Just as I do, they are watching videos pertaining to the activities they enjoy and listen to the music that they like.
I think the best thing about YouTube is the variety of content you can find. Some people use it for their news because that's how they are most receptive to it. Other people may use it to watch other people play the games that they enjoy. Still others just use it to listen to music, as I am as I write this. In fact, most people use YouTube for a combination of these things. There's so much out there that anyone can find channels that they enjoy on YouTube, no matter what background they come from.
Thursday, April 12, 2018
I wasn't good enough.
2:25 800m run. Three seconds better than the leg of the 4x800 that I had run four weeks before, 12 seconds better than anything I had run last year. I could have done better. My parents are impressed, but I am disappointed with my pacing. I could have taken the second lap harder.
I always want to get better. Even when people around me tell me that I’ve succeeded, I ask myself, “If I could do that, how much further can I make myself go?” Going back to that 800 meter run, I asked myself how much more time I could have cut off if I had pushed myself harder through the middle two laps. I expect a certain standard out of myself and it shows when I make a mistake.
There are a couple of modes I fall into when I make a mistake. They generally fall into one of two types. The first is when I realize I messed up after doing something is done. In these cases, I wonder what I could have done differently. Sometimes the answer is obvious, sometimes not. Something like forgetting how algebra works during a test is something that is obvious after I start talking to other people who did the same problem. In that case, I just have to pay more attention next time. Other things, like with social interaction, it isn’t as clear when I've overstepped boundaries. It can take a while before I find out that I'd made a mistake, and by that time, it can be too late to fix things. I used to agonize for long periods of time, sometimes multiple days, on what I could have done, and how that might have made things ‘better,’ but I've since realized that that doesn't do me any good. So I accept that I messed up, and put my energy towards figuring out what to do next.
The other type of mistake is the ones I notice while I'm making them. When that happens, I tend to buckle down and focus on problem at hand, often at the cost of clear communication. This particularly shows up when I'm playing hard missions of Warframe with my dad. (I know, I write about this a lot, but I've invested over 1200 hours of my life into this game.) When things go sideways, I stop talking and start playing furiously. I start making faster movements, generally playing better, but my team has no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going, or what they can do to help. This is the point when my dad usually tells me "Talk to me. I get that things are going poorly, but I don't know what you want me to do to help out." It doesn't help that I play very fast characters, so if I blitz off on my own, it's unlikely that my team can catch up to me. This problem stems from me expecting to be able to do anything and everything. When things start going wrong, I want to solve the problems then and there, as soon as I can. And I also expect to be good enough to solve these problems on my own, even when the situation quickly shows me that I really do need some help.
Given how I react to mistake, I’d say I'm pretty hard on myself. I expect to do my best at whatever I do and am disappointed when I'm not. Sometimes that's me not knowing how far I can push myself and unintentionally limiting myself, such as in running, sometimes it's just straight-up overestimation of my ability. But because of this, I've learned to accept my mistakes and move on to figuring out how to avoid those mistakes. There's no changing the past. We have to live in the world we've created for ourselves.
I always want to get better. Even when people around me tell me that I’ve succeeded, I ask myself, “If I could do that, how much further can I make myself go?” Going back to that 800 meter run, I asked myself how much more time I could have cut off if I had pushed myself harder through the middle two laps. I expect a certain standard out of myself and it shows when I make a mistake.
There are a couple of modes I fall into when I make a mistake. They generally fall into one of two types. The first is when I realize I messed up after doing something is done. In these cases, I wonder what I could have done differently. Sometimes the answer is obvious, sometimes not. Something like forgetting how algebra works during a test is something that is obvious after I start talking to other people who did the same problem. In that case, I just have to pay more attention next time. Other things, like with social interaction, it isn’t as clear when I've overstepped boundaries. It can take a while before I find out that I'd made a mistake, and by that time, it can be too late to fix things. I used to agonize for long periods of time, sometimes multiple days, on what I could have done, and how that might have made things ‘better,’ but I've since realized that that doesn't do me any good. So I accept that I messed up, and put my energy towards figuring out what to do next.
The other type of mistake is the ones I notice while I'm making them. When that happens, I tend to buckle down and focus on problem at hand, often at the cost of clear communication. This particularly shows up when I'm playing hard missions of Warframe with my dad. (I know, I write about this a lot, but I've invested over 1200 hours of my life into this game.) When things go sideways, I stop talking and start playing furiously. I start making faster movements, generally playing better, but my team has no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going, or what they can do to help. This is the point when my dad usually tells me "Talk to me. I get that things are going poorly, but I don't know what you want me to do to help out." It doesn't help that I play very fast characters, so if I blitz off on my own, it's unlikely that my team can catch up to me. This problem stems from me expecting to be able to do anything and everything. When things start going wrong, I want to solve the problems then and there, as soon as I can. And I also expect to be good enough to solve these problems on my own, even when the situation quickly shows me that I really do need some help.
Given how I react to mistake, I’d say I'm pretty hard on myself. I expect to do my best at whatever I do and am disappointed when I'm not. Sometimes that's me not knowing how far I can push myself and unintentionally limiting myself, such as in running, sometimes it's just straight-up overestimation of my ability. But because of this, I've learned to accept my mistakes and move on to figuring out how to avoid those mistakes. There's no changing the past. We have to live in the world we've created for ourselves.
Friday, March 30, 2018
Ode to Computer
I'm short on reflection, but I don't know where or how to put that in for this essay. Also, I would like to split up the third paragraph, so if you find a good place to split it, please tell me.
Considering the amount of time I've had my laptop and how much I've used it over the past three years, I can't bring myself to write a love letter to it. There are some good reasons why I would, but other reasons why I wouldn't.
It's not a piece of junk, not by a long shot. It has a dedicated graphics unit, which is better than most laptops, and an ok CPU. Also, the backlit keyboard is nice. It doesn't weigh as much as some other laptops I’ve looked at much, which is convenient for lugging it around all day, and best of all, it's not a touchscreen. If it was, people would troll me endlessly.
On to things it is not. There are much better laptop processors in existence, same with GPUs. The screen only looks good within a few degrees of directly in front of it and has been scratched up by the keyboard. The hinge is roughly a quarter broken, and I think the battery life is degrading. I'm starting to see some problems with storage, but that’s just because I have over 400GB of games installed with a total storage of 690GB. Both USB2.0 slots are loose, the speakers are broken to the point where I just unplugged them. It didn't come with a drive cage, so the second hard drive occasionally shakes loose. I'm missing five of the ten screws from the case, with more likely to come. Speaking of which, the bottom case is cracked in a few places from all the times I've had to take it off to plug my hard drive back in. Because it didn’t come with a drive cage. It’s also not the laptop that I had originally wanted. I had wanted an MSI laptop with similar specifications, but my parents didn't want to get it for me, citing price and weight reasons. (Besides, that model got some serious upgrades when the Nvidia 10 series came out, so if I had gotten my way, I'd just have been disappointed a year later) My dad wanted to get me a Toshiba laptop, but I would not stand for that. The storage was less than I wanted, and while there was an option for a dedicated graphics unit, it wasn't a very good one. Also, it was a Toshiba. Not exactly the coolest of computer brands, and I wanted a cool computer.
Yet for all that, my computer has been mostly reliable. It allows me to get all my schoolwork done, and then immediately I can switch to enjoying a game of some sort without having to change computers. I do like having that ability in a computer. I'm glad that I stood my ground and got a computer with the specifications I wanted. It's been nice to have a fully solid-state storage setup on a machine that can run most games. Load times are nice and fast. Still, I don't think I'd write a love letter to my current computer. Also, the AC adapter stopped working while I was writing this.
But considering that this one is deteriorating (see the missing screws, dents, and other damage, broken AC adapter!), I should be able to make a reasonable case to my parents for getting a better computer for next year. Definitely for college.
Considering the amount of time I've had my laptop and how much I've used it over the past three years, I can't bring myself to write a love letter to it. There are some good reasons why I would, but other reasons why I wouldn't.
It's not a piece of junk, not by a long shot. It has a dedicated graphics unit, which is better than most laptops, and an ok CPU. Also, the backlit keyboard is nice. It doesn't weigh as much as some other laptops I’ve looked at much, which is convenient for lugging it around all day, and best of all, it's not a touchscreen. If it was, people would troll me endlessly.
On to things it is not. There are much better laptop processors in existence, same with GPUs. The screen only looks good within a few degrees of directly in front of it and has been scratched up by the keyboard. The hinge is roughly a quarter broken, and I think the battery life is degrading. I'm starting to see some problems with storage, but that’s just because I have over 400GB of games installed with a total storage of 690GB. Both USB2.0 slots are loose, the speakers are broken to the point where I just unplugged them. It didn't come with a drive cage, so the second hard drive occasionally shakes loose. I'm missing five of the ten screws from the case, with more likely to come. Speaking of which, the bottom case is cracked in a few places from all the times I've had to take it off to plug my hard drive back in. Because it didn’t come with a drive cage. It’s also not the laptop that I had originally wanted. I had wanted an MSI laptop with similar specifications, but my parents didn't want to get it for me, citing price and weight reasons. (Besides, that model got some serious upgrades when the Nvidia 10 series came out, so if I had gotten my way, I'd just have been disappointed a year later) My dad wanted to get me a Toshiba laptop, but I would not stand for that. The storage was less than I wanted, and while there was an option for a dedicated graphics unit, it wasn't a very good one. Also, it was a Toshiba. Not exactly the coolest of computer brands, and I wanted a cool computer.
Yet for all that, my computer has been mostly reliable. It allows me to get all my schoolwork done, and then immediately I can switch to enjoying a game of some sort without having to change computers. I do like having that ability in a computer. I'm glad that I stood my ground and got a computer with the specifications I wanted. It's been nice to have a fully solid-state storage setup on a machine that can run most games. Load times are nice and fast. Still, I don't think I'd write a love letter to my current computer. Also, the AC adapter stopped working while I was writing this.
But considering that this one is deteriorating (see the missing screws, dents, and other damage, broken AC adapter!), I should be able to make a reasonable case to my parents for getting a better computer for next year. Definitely for college.
Thursday, March 8, 2018
The Storyteller
This is kind of a hybrid between 'role of procrastination' and 'doing nothing'. It's short, so please point out any places that could use expansion. Also, any help with transitions would be great.
I'm sitting in front of my computer, wondering what to write for the day. I have deadlines approaching, and not enough initiative. So I get up and grab myself some ice cream while I think for a bit. I've always enjoyed telling myself stories. They may involve me or other real people, sometimes not. Oftentimes not actually. My parents always told me that I had a great imagination.
But for all the stories I've made up over the past seventeen years, I find it hard to find ones that are objectively true. Even the games I played in elementary and middle school took place half in my head, making things up as I went along, drawing from a deep well of books, movies, and games, and reacting to what crazy imaginations my friends brought to the game. Looking back, I’m surprised I didn’t join some tabletop RPG community.
However, coming to Uni changed things for how I used my imagination during the day. First was that the Uni yard is smaller than the areas for recess at previous schools I had been at. Second was the installation of a computer in my daily life (pun intended). This opened a door to entirely new forms of entertainment. Suddenly, my imagination was not being used as much since the settings and the characters were largely dictated by the creator of the game. Still, I wasn’t on my computer all the time, and I still got sent off to bed before I was really tired. So I would tell myself stories to pass the time between when my parents told me to go to bed and when I fell asleep. In these hours, my imagination is just as free as it had been when younger, though back then, it was active at other times as well.
As I got access to greater and greater computing power, I could play more sophisticated games that had their own stories with rich settings and open-ended characters that I could use and expand on in my stories. So while having a computer constantly with me resulted in a less open-ended use of my imagination during the day, it gave me fodder to use at night. This is not to say that my imagination was completely shut off during the day. It was now focused towards game theory, conceiving of devious strategies and evaluating my performance. You know, practical things. Things that I could turn around and apply and experiment with as soon as I had free time with my computer.
So now, my imagination is used for ‘practical’ uses during the day, but can still spread it’s wings and fly in unexpected directions at night. At night, as you fall asleep, the barrier between your practical mind that gets you through the day and the mind that makes your dreams blurs, and it’s fun and sometimes even profound what things you can discover by simply exploring the vast expanses that are your imagination.
I'm sitting in front of my computer, wondering what to write for the day. I have deadlines approaching, and not enough initiative. So I get up and grab myself some ice cream while I think for a bit. I've always enjoyed telling myself stories. They may involve me or other real people, sometimes not. Oftentimes not actually. My parents always told me that I had a great imagination.
But for all the stories I've made up over the past seventeen years, I find it hard to find ones that are objectively true. Even the games I played in elementary and middle school took place half in my head, making things up as I went along, drawing from a deep well of books, movies, and games, and reacting to what crazy imaginations my friends brought to the game. Looking back, I’m surprised I didn’t join some tabletop RPG community.
However, coming to Uni changed things for how I used my imagination during the day. First was that the Uni yard is smaller than the areas for recess at previous schools I had been at. Second was the installation of a computer in my daily life (pun intended). This opened a door to entirely new forms of entertainment. Suddenly, my imagination was not being used as much since the settings and the characters were largely dictated by the creator of the game. Still, I wasn’t on my computer all the time, and I still got sent off to bed before I was really tired. So I would tell myself stories to pass the time between when my parents told me to go to bed and when I fell asleep. In these hours, my imagination is just as free as it had been when younger, though back then, it was active at other times as well.
As I got access to greater and greater computing power, I could play more sophisticated games that had their own stories with rich settings and open-ended characters that I could use and expand on in my stories. So while having a computer constantly with me resulted in a less open-ended use of my imagination during the day, it gave me fodder to use at night. This is not to say that my imagination was completely shut off during the day. It was now focused towards game theory, conceiving of devious strategies and evaluating my performance. You know, practical things. Things that I could turn around and apply and experiment with as soon as I had free time with my computer.
So now, my imagination is used for ‘practical’ uses during the day, but can still spread it’s wings and fly in unexpected directions at night. At night, as you fall asleep, the barrier between your practical mind that gets you through the day and the mind that makes your dreams blurs, and it’s fun and sometimes even profound what things you can discover by simply exploring the vast expanses that are your imagination.
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